When I have some… okay, a lot… of time on my hands, I start thinking about what some TV shows might be like if they had wine-related themes…
* Cold Case — Lilly Rush leads a squad of detectives who use their understanding of the criminal mind to track down cases of wine that have mysteriously disappeared from Philadelphia restaurants.
* Extreme Makeover: Home Edition — A deserving family has its home completely rebuilt in order to accommodate the most important feature of any home: a walk-in wine cellar. A weekly highlight involves designers arguing over exactly where the cellar should be located and how many wine bottles it should be able to accommodate.
* House — A doctor devoid of bedside manner is hired by a famous Champagne house to cure its production problems. He is assisted by an elite team of expert “cellar rats,” and ticks off a lot of French people as he goes about his diagnostic work.
* Without a Trace — A total rip-off… uh, adaptation… of “Cold Case,” this drama recreates a 24-hour timeline of the day an award-winning wine was produced in hopes of duplicating the wineâ€™s quality in future vintages.
* Smallville — A young Clark Kent makes extra money while attending high school by attaching labels to 375-ml. bottles of wine. These small bottles are half the size of standard wine bottles, which Kent likely will deal with once knowledge of his super-human powers becomes public.
* Everybody Hates Chris — Chronicles the life and times of Chris Corley, winemaker for Monticello Vineyards in the Napa Valley, whose talents generate great jealousy among other local vintners.
* Meet the Press — This Discovery Channel series follows a winegrape from the time it is picked until it meets its ultimate fate: the wine press.
* The Celebrity Apprentice — Francis Ford Coppola, Fess Parker, Joe Montana, Greg Norman, Mario Andretti, Tommy Smothers, Carlos Santana, Vince Neil and other famous winery owners are assigned various tasks in the vineyard as they compete for the approval of Donald Trump and try to avoid hearing those dreaded words, “You’re fired!”